still they conspire

AQUARIUS
You may have a list as long as your arm of "things that need to be done" but if you start them today, or tomorrow for that matter, you won't get very far, so forget about your chores for a while and focus on what means most to you: your family, your friends, your social life and the love of your life. Start the weekend early!

I woke up at 7am and am working on just that. Nothing that needs to be done, but of expressing the care I have for those most important in my life.

She said don't love me (But it was too late)

-The Delfonics

Thats how I feel at this time. I'm pretty sure their song is about someone new that was hurt by someone else, but what if that person was someone 'old' and they were hurt by you....Is it still possible?

bad things happen in 3s eh?

For the 3rd night in a row, I've dreamt of her, you, and my hand is near being forced. I found myself clicking on links to jewelry website I'd bought you prior gifts at. I even selected items I'd like to give you.

I'm trying to devise a letter for you. Basically one that calls me a schmuck, says that I miss you more than I can possibly explain, and asks if you think about me 'in that way' at all currently. It's a heartbreaking question, but it'd move me past this point I'm hoping.

I'm usually not the type to go back on a decision, but currently I'm a wreck w/o you. That's largely what I wanted to find out. I'd thought I'd made it clear in the begging that I couldn't do a long distance relationship, that I'd have to find out if I could live w/o you. More and more it seems the answer is no. And yet you currently have let me know that you entertain another. At first I thought it was just an fyi, I'm over you statement.

But those with outside perspective have said that it was more likely meant to ruffle me, to get a reaction because you too still harbour feelings. I of course played my macho role and said "cool, I'm happy for you, hope he makes you happy." Well that was a bunch of malarky. I guess I am happy for you, because I do want you to be happy. But, in no way am I happy about it. And if you wanted it to heart or to know if it did, if it was supposed to and you just wanted to know; know this, it hurt.

I know I hurt you, and for that I'm sorry, but just as you may have needed to know that that would hurt. I needed to know that I would be as well. Now that that's cleared up, if it is the case. I'd like to know where we move from here. If that's not the case well then, I love you and moreso understand why you take so long to respond to me , and may not respond to this at all.

even the stars conspire against me

AQUARIUS
Even if you are the kind of Aquarius who finds it hard to let others know what you are feeling the entry of both Venus, planet of love, and Mercury, planet of communication, into the partnership area of your chart today will help you to reach out to those who mean something to you emotionally. The rest of the week will be good for relationships.


It's tough to deal with mentally when you have thoughts and dreams aboout someone for a whole night and then you wake up to this drabble. It almost makes the world make some kind of weird 'bigger than you' sense.

I've usually been the person that says if you put yourself in a bad situation, then you deserve it and should pay the penalty. You don't rock the boat to make yourself feel better. But oh, how I've been thinking about rocking the boat.

Hope that I don't just wind up in the drink.

and she was right

a new associate called me broken yesterday

dealing w/ the x

got a reply note from her today. I had sent her a postcard that I started writing before I got her prior mailing, and completed writing afterward. To me it read like tarentino movie because I totally started with one sentiment and had to change it once she'd updated me to the situation of things.
Turns out her boy is a SD liver, which is exactly what she'd hoped I'd become in the past. So she's got the weekend warrior she wanted. Some people can live with that I guess.
My postcard in the end wound up expressing a desire for her to understand that I still care and would hope that I had not ruined an opportunity to keep in touch. "I don't know if that was a formal request to be friends or not, but if it was being friends is cool with me. ", was the reply. I'm not exactly sure what that means since we were writing back and forth and I don't see how people that aren't friends would do that unless we were still riding relationship coattails. Though to me that's impossible when you've proclaimed to move on to the next. For a psych major, some of those things just make no sense on how she relays or interprets another's actions. I don't get it.

motherly advice

she tells me that I should let 'her' know how I feel
I'm not sure she got the thrust of the message I gave her

I'm not so sure the best course of action to follow when someone tells you they are dating someone new after you, is to bring up the fact that you unresolved feelings for them
especially when you are the one who put them in a situation to date others to begin with

more importantly when those unresolved include sentiments that reflect that they would likely be dating that person regardless and left you in the process as a victim of the out of sight out of mind rule.

fact is 'she' stated prior to the initial separation that she would not have time for me in her new lifestyle, but she has had time to cultivate her new relationship; so it could simply have been that she was not willing to commit the time for it; not to say that all relationships don't take effort, but it's a lot easier when someone is part of your daily routine, not made to fit into it.

my "phychiatrist" sez that the only reason she told me she's dating is because she has feeling for me still yet, but it's not really in her former personality to purposefully try to make someone jealous or feel small, so why start now

though it does make sense that if one were truly beyond feelings for someone it would be a more awkward thing to bring to their attention. if you wished to remain friends, or at least not ruffle any feathers you would simply omit these details and move on with your separate lives. of course, maininting a distinct degree of professional socializing , be it simply through phone or internet.

i'm personally not sure if the information was meant to push me away or to pine after her. i'd have to say it's done a little of both. i don't think either is a good thing at this point. =(