first real entry

well, if I'm gonna call it a diary, I guess I should have some actual diary type entries.

it would so happen the topic of my entry has interupted my entry, and I guess in some way I invited it. I would never have said I had a large ego, but I think it's revealing itself a bit more these days. I had been dating this lady for 3years almost. I would have to say there was a time I considered marriage. Yet, in the long run I had to concede to myself that she was so nice of a persone that I felt I had to be a bad person. I would say that, that could have been something that was internal and may have passed over time, but our personalities were such that the dichotomy was constantly reinforced.

I love her, I can say that without doubt. I still love her, but I cannot believe that a relationship where one person continually is perceived to be discourteous to others because the latter is over-courteous, can be healthy or have longevity. Now I'm not saying I'm a saint or that I'm trying to be at all. I don't try to be a good person for that matter, I simply try to make sure I'm not a bad person. But unfortunately in my love's eyes, that would in fact make me a bad person. I can't agree with this, ever, and so our relationship came to an end.

Returning to the initial point of my emergent ego, I have to say that (as I'm sure most in failed relationships do) I all of a sudden am in shock at her new willingness to let it fade away. This largely because at onset she was very accusatory of my lack of desire to fight for the relationship. We had been separated geographically for 3 months or so at that point and I simply don't feel I am a long distance relationship person. That said, I believe she primarily thought that our relationship was ending because I could not deal with the geographic separation. Very upset about the breakup she felt I was quitting because it got hard and that I simply didn't want to put in effort to maintain over the distance.

Yet following a week of letting the dust settle, she was then quite quick to question why I was bothering to continue to contact her at all. And this would be where my ego began to creep out. How could someone who could lash out and call me a quitter in the relationship then simply not want to fight to continue it herself. Was this simply an, "I don't care to deal with you" response or a realization that her life was made simpler if she didn't have to spend energy on this stretched out realationship. My psyche simply couldn't match up how someone could be so upset to lose something and in the next breath not care to maintain a lesser relationship if it was possible.

I grow weary of the topic for now, less I continue to write a book. Till next time.
-mis penciones